February 2nd, 2011 | 5 Comments

When two people divorce it is very common for each spouse to feel they have been done very wrong by the other. Except in rare cases where one of the parties is not only obviously at fault but also whose inner Beast allows him or her to see it, most divorced couples blame each other completely. Outsiders, even if they side with the spouse they like better, will often recognize that both spouses are at least somewhat to blame for the divorce. How then can two people living and experiencing the same marriage and divorce manage to ‘see’ things so differently?
The answer is the power of the Beast to make the Logical Me sees things its own way. It is also in part a function of the natural phenomenon of subjective reality. It makes us each see things as a function not merely of simply ‘what is there’ but also through the prism of our own life experiences which changes how each of us sees what is there.

Different subjective realities
I am a builder and developer. I was once walking through a beautiful hotel ballroom with my significant other. As I was doing that, I observed the beautiful décor of the room, the care with which the difficult ceiling decorations had been applied, the beauty and majesty of the columns and the marble and carpeted floors. As we left the room, the lady I was with, said in a very impressed tone: Did you see the rock on that woman’s hand?
I could not for the life of me have described the woman in question, let alone her ‘rock’, or tell you where she was seated, nor indeed if she had been there at all! I did not even immediately grasp that by ‘rock’ the lady had meant a very large diamond!
What had happened? Simply this: I had seen the room and its occupants through the prism of my own experiences and interests, and so had the lady I was with. I saw a beautiful well built and decorated room and barely noticed its occupants at all. She saw the female occupants, their clothes and very expensive jewelry and hardly noticed the beauty of the room at all!

The Beast’s power over us
So it is with most divorces. In a divorce both spouses believing themselves to be ‘good’, will often only see the good things each brings to the marriage. Each spouse then tends to dismiss the rest as either unimportant or the result of the other person’s faults. The cheating husband will blame his wife’s lack of sufficient physical affection for his philandering. The tired wife will blame her hard work with the children and an unhelpful husband for an absence of physical desire. The arguments from both spouses will go- if my spouse didn’t do what he or she did, I would never have needed, or indeed been forced, to do what I did. Therefore whatever I did, or failed to do, was not my fault but my spouse’s. Of course, there is some truth to both spouses’ points of view.
The Beast within all of us has a compelling desire to avoid feeling bad about itself. To do so it will take over the part of the mind I call the Logical Me’s ability to see either the ‘truth’, or even the other person’s viewpoint. Thus the battle between the immoveable object of the truth, and the irresistible force of the need to avoid seeing it, will rage on in the minds of both spouses. The divorce will get bitter and acrimonious. All will suffer, except for the lawyers. Because usually the rule is: The more grief between the parties the more fees to the lawyers.
The intelligent observer and hopefully the divorcing person should try very hard to understand this situation. If successful, he or she will then realize that it is quite futile to attempt to reason with a person with regard to placing blame for divorce when that person is in the power of his or her Beast. The best thing to do is to turn to such other possible answers as will reduce the harm to the divorcing couple, their children and their families, as well as minimize the fees to divorce lawyers. One of those answers lies in understanding and applying the lessons in this article.

5 Responses to “Divorce and the Beast within us”

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